Thirteen Reasons Why: Bakit Single Ka Pa Rin? (Reason #10)

Para sa dalawa or tatlong nagbabasa ng blog ko.

Actually, kinuwento ko sa friend kong si S that I am blogging about our lives here. Sabi nya, okay lang naman daw as long as anonymously kasi baka daw yung chapter nya yung makwento ko eh sumablay bigla kasi may pamilya na sya. I told her na if I were to write about her, I will ask permission muna. And about being anonymous? Panu yun, “I have included my name on the blog.”

She said, “that’s not your full name though, you’re good to go.”

I was watching Something Borrowed yesterday in Netflix. Bigla akong nalungkot kasi birthday nung protagonist in one of the scenes. It was her 30th birthday. Mas matanda ako ng konti lang naman dun sa bida and just like her, medyo malayo pa sa katotohanan na ako’y magsesettledown.

Naalala ko from the story how life is full of what might have beens. Kung tatanga tanga ka ba naman tulad ko, talagang maraming lalampas na pagkakataon.

There’s this guy B who seemed head over heels infatuated with me. I liked him too. So what was the problem then? Ang gwapo nya.

I saw myself less attractive than he was. He was hot and popular and dated more beautiful girls in the past. I felt inadequate and asked myself, “is he serious with me?”

He was so frustrated because I can’t seem to get that his intentions were fine. We dated for some time, but the passion has eventually died because I was stupid and insecure.

Our story was very well similar to that of Ginnifer Goodwin’s character who wasted 6 years of their lives suppressing her real feelings just because she could not believe that a person as handsome as Colin Egglesfield could fall for her and well, thought he only deserved someone like Kate Hudson.

He has moved on with Kate.

Two years after college, I have just stepped out of a store checking out my receipt, inattentively walking and bumping into B who was about to enter the same store. I wasn’t living nearby. I was only there because my cousin was getting tattooed few buildings away and we needed beer while waiting. He was living nearby apparently kasi nakapambahay lang sya, literal parang lumakad lang.

We exchanged numbers. Neither of us initiated a conversation that day until the day after when B texted me and asked me, “musta?”

Halos maloka ako sa kilig sa word na musta kasi antay na antay ako sa text nya (kung magtetext ba sya). For a while there, I forgot na I had a boyfriend. Nagtext kami nang nagtext all day, all night. Same thing the day after. Later on, we decided to meet para mas solid yung catching up diba? I told my bf na may lakad ako with family so ditch ko muna sya but in reality, I was meeting B.

Writing this makes me feel all the feelings.

I don’t know why I lied. I was not planning on cheating on my bf. But I totally lied and even asked not to be fetched from my apartment. I told him I’d meet him in Trinoma. I didn’t bring a car.

We met. Asked me if I wanted to eat and I said I wasn’t hungry. We had coffee. He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie right after, I told him no, because I was scared to be in the dark with him. I can feel all the possibilities. We walked, strolled around the mall. Had dinner and drove me home. The night was young, I felt I had to ask him to stay for a while. It was a bad idea.

I guess it was safer had we chosen to watch a movie.

He went home hours later.

I never called him again. Stopped answering his calls. Felt guilty as hell.

Went on with my life. With my loving boyfriend at that time. Time flew by fast.

My boyfriend and I broke up eventually. It was not meant to last anyway.

Fast forward around 4 years later. Nagkita ulit kami, this time near my house (condo ng parents ko na pinapagamit lang sakin), dun lang ako kumakain sa nearby areas, and of course, lagi akong sa Buddy’s kumakain, andun lahat ng paborito ko eh. So ayun na nga, nandun si B, umoorder, and by the way, may kasama syang girl, naiwan lang sa table nila.

Nung nakita nya ako, I was by the counter, bumibili ng drinks. Andun sya, nakapila. He asked me if I was working around the area, sinabi ko na hindi (wish ko lang para malapit). Sinabi ko how I was nakikitira sa house nila mommy para tipid. We both laughed. He knew na nasa province ang family ko and he find it silly siguro na I was still freeloading. He asked, same number ba? I nodded.

Whether he explained the to the girl or not kung sino ako, I would not know for sure.

He called me the next day. He asked if he could bring me dinner joked about not bringing Buddy’s kasi daw iwas sa bad breath. I got his joke, subtle, smooth. He told me na girlfriend nya yung girl na kasama nya. I said he can come kasi for me, friends lang naman kami. Naalala ko tuloy yung “as friends ni Paolo Contis at Yen Santos.”

I was single nung time na yun, sya naman yung hindi but we will just hang out anyway. I thought it was okay.

Of course. We didn’t just hang out. It was the start of everything, us dating again. Contrary to how I felt when we were younger, I have gained confidence over the years and I knew that we are not alangan anymore. I even looked younger than he was. I told him many times that we won’t push through our relationship if hindi nya ibbreak yung ties nya with his other girlfriend. He said he will. But 3 months had passed and he still hasn’t.

I don’t deserve such treatment. I knew I had to let him go.

He wanted to be with me but he wasn’t sure if he didn’t want to be with the other girl naman. Anlabo diba?

I cut him loose.

This is one of the reasons why. Ambwisit lang.